I hate it when I am not appreciated!

Aurgh.

Still jobhunting, getting weary. Not the easiest thing I’ve got to do so far, probably one of the hardest, if not the hardest. Well, whatever, I am not resigning to my fate.

Posts are getting lesser and infrequent as I have other commitments anyway. Plus the bleak jobsearch isn’t making me want to blog more. I rather journal. This is, afterall, a public domain.

All to Jesus I surrender, I surrender all.

Take me, mould my heart to be more like Yours. Align my heart so it beats resoundingly with Yours. May You be the potter of my life, as I put all my eggs in one basket, that of Yours, that You will not shortchange me, but bless me with double portions of blessings.

The trial[s] ahead, God be my light, help me be obedient to You, help me hear You, help me TRUST You.

-Amen-

Uncertainties scare me, fear and trepidition scares me. Illnesses to the physical body scares me.

I am not referring to my current (bleak) job search. Yes, it allows me to feel fearful, but no, I do not think my future is uncertain, that, one thing I am definite, is my God provides, and He will do so for me.

But as I mentioned, illnesses scare me. Let me walk down memory lane for a bit.

The year was 2006, I just broke up with D then, huge chunk of my life had to change.

One day, I realised that there was a swell on the left side of my cheek, hurt like a bitch, and made me looked like a twit. Decided to visit the GP only to be referred to the hospital and after a battery of tests (which included me being put under general anesthesia!), doctors found out the cause of it. I had a ruptured saliva gland, and it was my main saliva gland that was ruptured. Scared me shitless, that helplessness, that fear of what-are-the-next-step-to-take. Now you must realise that there was no medication that could solve this issue, all the doctors could give were painkillers and steroids (to reduce the swelling). The only way out was to have surgery and remove the entire gland. This would mean that I would not be producing saliva on my left side of my cheek, which has its downsides.

Of course, at such a tender age, my dad immediately put his foot down and said no to having surgery. Surgery could mean that I would be permanently limp on the left side of my face, which is scary to even think of.

In those times, I experienced desperation, helplessness, fear, not of death, but of that pure torture, the sheng bu ru si feeling.

But thankfully, I am able to declare today that I am healed. Not by might, nor by strength, but by His Spirit. I thank God. Truly, I do. Seldom do I have to abstain from my favourite foods since then and I am thankful, since I am such a foodie.

Now, fast forward to the year 2009. Uncle P was diagnosed with kidney failure and has to undergo dialysis. When I heard of the news, it pained me. True, outsiders, or even my own family members may think otherwise, but, heck, I’m only accountable to my God and myself with regards to my own feelings. Uncle P, after running the law firm with his brother, has experienced the fraility of life. What pains me most is that he does not worship the same God as I do, and it scares me. He would be taken from this world at a much faster rate as his physical body is failing!

And today, Dad received a call from a nosey someone telling him that Uncle P’s heart is also experiencing problems and he has just gotten hospitalised. Daddy added on, “Uncle P can barely walk now, he’s getting breathless and finds it too hard to walk…” Now, that really hit me. Uncle P was someone I used to go for daily jogs with in the park, now, to hear such things, really, I have yet to figure out what to feel!

I wish Uncle P knew of God, that way, at least he had someone to cling on to. That being said, I am not gutsy enough to go up and talk to Uncle P about Jesus, I know I sound like a loser, but really, whatever rocks your boat. I can only pray alongside for him, since they do not even know of my (abrupt) return.

So yes, I am still shocked by the fraility of life, especially since it has hit home.

I wanna go away – now. Right this very instance, I wanna leave this place, not this country necessarily, but this house. I need time alone. I so desperately want to live alone again.

I am feeling tired, worn out, drained, both emotionally and mentally. Flippin’ desperate to curse and swear at the whole world, but I hold my tongue – for now.

Been more than a month since my last post, encountered my first ever rejection for a job application. Now, you must understand, I have never ever faced major rejections in my life, all along be it Uni applications or internship opportunities, I’ve always gotten what I wanted, and yes, even to photog schools. Therefore, when I found out that I was rejected by a local NGO, it hurt like a big man enduring a punch to his genitals, I cried buckets, till my eyes were sore and blinded from the sunrays entering via my windows. Really made me question my own abilities to find a job at such an untimely season with the economy supposedly recovering from the recession.

Before all these, I have never doubted my own abilities to do anything that would lead me to my path of succession. Not even when I decided to drop out of Honors. But yet now, with the current (lack of) job opportunities, I feel helpless and worthless. Yes, you heard me right, worthless, all I do daily is bum around and get bored with life. True, one makes one’s own life interesting and exciting. However, this world and apparent interesting society does not entice me – not even one bit. For I have nothing to look forward to, no new challenges in terms of work prospect, before, I had the exciting Honors program to keep me on my feet, to lure me into the libraries on the hunt with books, I had a purpose, I had a reason for doing so much. Now, the only purpose I have for carrying on is to hunt for a job. And it is wearing me thin. I feel like I can’t breathe sometimes, like I am being suppressed, I can’t enjoy doing things, as I do not have the luxury of living life without burdens.

Yes, at the end of the day, I serve a God who provides for all my needs, but when is the light gonna shine in my face? I have no need to know where, but when, the ‘when’ factor is very important to me. I can’t help but really be a pessimist now.

God, hear me, and help me, please, I’m begging you. That’s all I ask, and shine the light in my face please. I am desperate, extremely desperate.

Maybe I should enter the private sector, or the social work scene. Oh suck it. I need some directions.

God, it is in this desperate times that I am finally asking You to make me more willing than ever. Give me that resilience that I need to sustain out of this storm. Prepare my heart, and my mental strength please, I beg. For I fear I will just throw everything my hands in the air and say “I cannot take it anymore, screw this”. Let that day never come Lord. Push me, pull me, but don’t break me Lord.

Let me be willing, Lord. Let me be willing. And when I am willing, help me make the change. Equip me with the skills I need Lord.

Signed and sealed,
Your daughter.

I saw you today for the first time after 4 years. You were on the train, hugging someone else. That familiar silhouette, that back that I used to pounce on. I quivered, felt cold for a bit, not knowing how to feel when I knew it was you.

So often, I asked myself, what would I do if I met you one day? And today I did. Not the best of situations may I say, in fact, one of the worst, but on hindsight, it was alright since I have no idea what to say.

When our eyes met, I quivered down my spine. Fear overwhelmed me for a bit, just those uncertainties of what you could possibly do to me (after all that you’ve done, I believe you are capable of doing just about everything else), grappled within me. But I decided way back that you no longer have a foothold in my life, and today, I fought within myself for that to be avail. And I succeeded.

It was hell of an awkward half minute of so, when our eyes met. You took a long lasting look at me, before your eyes started getting shifty. I stared blankly, for the lack of better word choice, not knowing what to do.

I then stared hard at the screen of my iPhone, waiting for my stop to be called, thank God it was just 3 minutes later.

I am very happy. Really happy, been happy for the past week or so and hope this happiness will continue on.

I was really excited to see how things would pan out, now, I am not that excited anymore, the excitement has worn down, reality is setting in, my patience is being stretched further. I want to hear and see what God has planned for me. I really want to, then I can be out of this wilderness and into green pastures.

God I really want to know, I know this could very well be a time of testings from You to improve my patience. I pray that You will guide me and give me wisdom and help me to be trained in areas that You desire for me to excel in. May I always, now and forever, look to You in everything I do. May I always, now and forever, abide in You and obey Your ways.

Now, whatever little I have, I will cherish it, whatever little is being thrown at me, I will take it, I am willing to eat the humble pie. Though I will be out of my own comfort zone, I know I am still in God’s zone and He will look out for me. I probably just have to be more thick-skinned in what I do, that’s all!

I am really feeling down. I don’t know how else to describe my feelings, except that my heart aches. The wrenched up feeling, just when I thought I cannot breathe anymore, my entire body grows stiff, and memories of J-Life flashes before me.

I am leaving the land of Western Australia, Perth, for good. I will not (in the short term) get to lead the life of a nomad wanderer, although I must say, Perth has given me really good memories, memories that I will cherish for the rest of my life.

The many loved ones I have come to know, love, care for, and understand. They are not just my friends and peers, but people who have affected my life; one way or another.

——–

The above was written on 12th July, 2009. I thought I should not edit any details to it, lest I lose any of those feelings and memories.

I have left Perth, for exactly a week now. The memories that I have had, has intermittently, in the past week, flashed through my head. From the last cell meeting where Agnes was there, where I poured out my heart and soul to tell people what I really wanted to do with my life, to words of wisdom that PJ and Sally Jie have shared with me, to seeing just how various people whom I look up to lead their lives, aspire me. These things I have, are intangible, irreplaceable and unforgettable.

Even up till now, I can still remember the first week I set foot on Perth. The crazy first semester I have had, all that insanity that I went through, I am thankful to be out of it alive and safe. The following semester, I found my way back, started afresh with God, saw His hands working, though I did not know what still, was in store.

Subsequently, things started to pan out on its own, I got into Honors year, did what I wanted to achieve when in Honors year, and dropped out of it. Though the world may look at me with a different eye for dropping out, I know somehow, that possibly, my purpose is fulfilled there. I have gained not just maturity on a psychological level, but also maturity in my spirit man. I am filled, and emptied, just so to be filled again.

Now, I am back to this place I call home, wanting to do His will. Many things in this world I am excited about, but nothing excites me as much as doing God’s will in my life. Though I am sad that my chapter in Perth has come to a close, but I am also excited at the same time as it means the start of a new chapter, a clean slate, a fresh page, a new beginning, boy am I excited. New missions, new people, new projects, new aims. Thank God for a renewed heart, a refreshed mind, and a filled spirit – all willing to charge forth once again.

Goodbye NLCC, thank you for the memories and life lessons you have provided me with.

Time to start the job hunt. I don’t exactly like it. But I know I have to do it. Thankfully, my reusme is already looking up since I update it regularly. Alrighty, Happy Birthday Singapore. My motherland.