On the way to town with Agnes from Vivocity after the first part of our shopping spree, we began making conversation. After being high on trying out (and buying) clothes, Agnes decided to entertain me while I was driving. We then started talking about sinning and how much men would sin just to satisfy their flesh. Coming to a stop upon seeing a red light, she began to start a Her World survey on me.
A: “So, if there is a particular temptation (which in this case, would be a sin) you would have to succumb to, what would it be? Pre-marital sex, a tattoo or smoking?”
M: “Hmm…I would do a tattoo” -pauses- “You?”
A: “Sex, of course!”
A & M: burst out laughing super loudly.
I swear the cars next to us would definitely think we were mad for laughing so loudly if they saw what we were doing. Our mouths were so wide open that you could stuff God-knows-what inside. Maybe a nine pound bowling ball or something along those lines.
I definitely strike off smoking because for one, I am an advocate of a smoke-free environment. Besides, I enjoy my food too much to risk losing my sense of taste. Food is too big a part of me.
Pre marital sex is not really something I would want. I would still choose a tattoo over it anytime, hands down. The only thing that is holding me back is the pain and the fact that Singapore doesn’t have any tattoo artists that I would trust my flesh with. Besides, the Bible clearly states that the body is a holy temple, therefore, I shall not ‘vandalise’ it. So no worries, for now, I am still as good as new.
As for pre marital sex, I would want to think of it as ok for the society that we are living in now. But I know there are certain principles I live by, and TRYING to stay away from it is one. As I have mentioned in my previous post, I really do wonder if my prince will appear. Seriously, I do share the same sentiment as Agnes, that is to not let me die a virgin. Hahahahahahaha. Crap, hanging out with Agnes really do make me sound and act like her now.
But yea, all these are said in the spirit of jest and are to be taken lightly. So my dear readers, please don’t be so shocked when you read my post. Hahaha.
So ladies, what would your choice be? Pre marital sex, tattoo or smoking? List them according to your preferences with 1 being what you most want and 3 being your least want. Then I might just send the survey results to Her World and they can consider my survey! Hahahaha. Leave me your answer yea? Guys too. 
Filed under: Deep thoughts
Maybe it is about time I learn to let go of certain things. Afterall, affairs of the heart are much too vulnerable for me to handle now. A part of me has now gone, and I got to start from scratch to find the new me. Now, empty as I feel, and hollow as I am, but still I cannot give up.
Somehow, I am beginning to doubt the term of love and happiness. I begin to doubt about sacrificial love. I begin to doubt about giving rather than receiving. I begin to doubt about the sincerity of men. I begin to doubt about honesty and forgiving.
I am beginning to doubt that my prince with scratches and bruises in shining armour will come to me. It’s not that I do not want to meet him. Maybe I just don’t wish to be disappointed time and time again. Afterall, four heartbreaks can do alot to one, you know? There are just so much memories to add to the already almost full hard disk in the brain to ever contain anymore bad ones.
I somehow get the feeling that my heart is already numbing itself, to feel lesser for the world, for the surroundings, for the people and the loved ones. It’s closing up like a clam, refusing to open up no matter how hard you try to pry it open. Maybe it will one day, but only with gentleness and tenderness. Maybe it will not give itself away anymore, but just stored away in the protective, hard surroundings of the ribcage.
Too much of myself has been given away to ever replace them.
My world now, has already crashed, and I doubt very much that it will be restored to its former glory. Maybe now, it will just pass each day as though nothing has gone wrong. But deep down, the valleys of waters that runs deep has no sparkle and the mountains has lost their well paved terrains. What’s left are just normal things, those that don’t sparkle as much; if any at all.
I feel like such a fool now. And to think I actually trusted you so much. Why? Why did you have to do that? Why did I have to find out about it? Up till now, I do still wish that what I found out is false. that maybe you would run up to me and tell me that everything is ok, that those are just lies!
My heart fell when I heart the news. It pounded against my ribcage that I thought it was going to explode. It was as though it fell to the pits of hell and burned along with the lava. A part of me died when I heard what happened.
Maybe all along, I was looking for love and care and affection at the wrong places. Maybe you didn’t even did love me to start off with. Painful as it may seem, I would still have to accept it if that’s really what your heart is. Not much of love and tender loving care from you did I get, but that didn’t seem to get me down. A friend once told me, “You will find your prince, he may not be in his shining armour, he may be a bit rusty and scratched up, but he will know how to love you and protect you and care for you. He will treat you right with all respect.”That same friend also said that guys who treat girls like a doormat don’t deserve a second glance and should be scrammed out of my life.
Maybe one day, when I get too tired from all these heartaches, I might just choose to close my heart and never to open it again. Because I don’t wish to be a ‘player’ , to break people’s hearts, just so I could have the upper hand in a relationship. I choose to be a giver, rather than a receiver. I choose to love, rather than be loved. But I know, that one day, all these would just come back hurting me. My heart is like a carved piece of wood, except that it is chipped in places and ants and maggots and parasites are just eating it up. I have no idea how to stop it because even baygon and what not are not working anymore.
When a guy become your world, and when they leave you, your world just comes smattering down, and it takes a damn long time for it to be restored. Just like the leaning tower of Pisa. You know, you took a part of my soul along when you left for the next one. Did you realise that?
Sometimes, I feel like there’s a need to be part of a group. Like a group of friends. Like a group, just so I could fit in. I remember those days in primary school, where some people try so hard just to be with certain cliques, when didn’t even had to try and I got it; this made them real mad and jealous at me. But the thing was, I didn’t even want to be with these people!
Then when I rose to higher ranks of secondary school, those haydays of me mixing with people from 2 classes down, this got to the itch of my other classmates too. Somehow, I was welcomed into the cliques of my friends from the other class instead of my own. Again, this time, I did not ask for it. Somehow, our lives just intertwined as we were all together in the common ativities and classes like speech and drama and acting.
Along came tertiary education and I finally felt like I fitted in somewhere. Just that I couldn’t really find my footing. I was lost, I didn’t know which clique I belonged to, afterall, my past years were me drifting to and fro from cliques and them welcoming me with open arms, not me going out to look for one. So, for those 3 years of my life, I was kind of isolated; almost like a lone ranger, or rather, I hung out with people who didn’t really belong to cliques, or if they did, I would try to break in. But hell, I didn’t succeed. Not that it really matter to me anyway.
Because along the way (since primary school), I began asking myself, how much of all these are real? How much of all these aren’t just dolly faced pasted? I felt that no one truly understood me, no one truly knew who the real inner me was. Maybe I just didn’t reveal too much of myself to them. Or to put it more loosely, they just didn’t bother to find out more. Everyone tend to take one another for granted, that it is okay to live without one another, it’s a dog-eat-dog world. Everyone fends for their own survival and that cliques are just a stepping stone to lift you up to higher grounds.
Now, as I move on to the next phase of my life, I truly do wonder what would be instored for me as I move to a foreign country where skin colour and accents would most probably become an issue.
But after surviving 2 serious relationships and getting my heart seriously broken on both attempts, I guess nothing much would daunt me; except maybe getting my heart seriously broken again on a 3rd attempt. Not that I would mind if it’s by you, ya’know.
Maybe Down Under would do magic for my soul. I shall know, 6 months from now. See you then, Michelle of 24th November 2007.
Like I said in my previous post, sticks and stones are easier to bear than words. How apt is that for me now in my situation.
I thought things could work out, that we could iron out issues. That you would be willing to try, that you would be willing to give whatever you can; and whatever you can’t, I would help. What kind of a person are you when you declare your love only to reject your beloved’s sacrifice? I feel like I’ve been ridiculed out of my entire system, made a fool, attempted to make this work, and only to have you tell me in the end that you would rather let it fade and die. Ask yourself, what love is it when you don’t face problems and issues even when your partner so willingly says she will help you through it. That she will carry you through and bring the both of you to the next level? And I thought this would work out, if only you would want it as badly as I did.
How much of me in my system hurts? Or so you ask me now, I tell you, it hurts so damn much that I can’t even feel myself now, there’s a part of me that just hates God for doing what He’s doing. Part of me really want to walk away and never to return, and the other part of me, simply want to live my life for no one, not even God, not even him, but simply for myself. I feel so empty, so chipped. It is as though like I was a perfect wooden block, no chips, no dents, no open scarring. Now, I have subjected myself to all that, and what did I get back in return? Nothing, nothing but more of those on myself.
What else is there to return, you asked? I tell you, memories, hurts, love, all these you can never return. No matter how hard you try, all these, are just a part of my happy memories. Why? You asked. Happy because I thought I have found someone to love, to care, to hold and to cherish. But now, they are all crushed. All thanks to a simple phrase. All because you were not willing to try.
I hate, let me repeat HATE, people who don’t try ENOUGH. Damn it.
Somehow even after getting a somewhat cake, I still don’t feel happy. There’s just this unhappiness within me. Maybe I am yearning for something that is not within my reach anymore. And ouch, it hurts so damn much.
Somehow, right now, I feeel that my head and heart is in a mess. I need to pick myself up so badly, but I just don’t know where to garner that amount of strength from. God has been good, really, it may sounds cliche, but He is really helping me, sometimes, just a little conversation makes my tears fall back in.
I got involved in a little car accident last night. Nothing major, no one injured, no damaged property, just a few scratches on the rim and car surface which can be cleaned off just by waxing the car. Thank goodness Ags and I were fine physically. However, it was only sfter that accident that it hit me.
A relationship on the rocks is just like the car accident. Not so major that one would need to call it quits, but yet at the same time, dents and cracks and holes have appeared. But here is where the difference lies, in the car accident, waxing solves the problem, but in the relationship, no matter how much we try to erase out that mark of scar, it will not disappear. Instead, it will just heal over time, and leave a scar, whether it will reopen to become a wound again depends on the amount of love and care taken to nurture it back to health.
A relationship calls for two people to be dependable on each other, but for me, I wish to add that there is someone else that I and my significant other have to depend on, and that is the One up high. It is only when in tuned with God, then will we be able to move together. Sometimes, I really wished that you were a man of God. But whatever it is, you are not now, and I do admit that at the back of my head, I do picture us growing together as a couple that serve an almighty God.
Right now, it’s a season for change, a season for forgiving, a season for experiencing love from God. May You give me the strength to carry on, though I may tire out, God You come and refresh me. Amen.
Today is the first day for many things. It was really tough. Like I said before in my previous post, right now, I would very much bear sticks and stones and get what I truly desire than to go through this. Maybe things would be so much simpler if we had more common beliefs, like our faith. That would certainly carry us stronger and closer. But maybe it is just not in the will of the One up high.
Even though I was out and about the whole day, my mind was in a total whirl. All I could think of were images of you and those three words you said last night. I kept asking myself, why didn’t you say them earlier? Just why? More often that not, I had always wanted to know of an answer, but each time I asked of you, I would only be utterly disappointed. It was like ahving a knife pierced through my heart; as though I got stabbed. The only thing is I survive because this is not something physical. A part of me wished that it was, so that I wouodn’t have to go through all these pains, but I know that at the end of this ordeal, I would want to come out a stronger person.
There is this gnawing feeling in my heart. It has been such a long time since I last felt this way. Not that I want to, it’s a feeling I wish I didn’t had to feel. Maybe this feeling had always been there, just that I didn’t realised it, maybe I made use of deception and self pitiance to make myself feel better. Now that my feelings and emotions are in full swing, I just don’t know what to do with it. Each time something close to the heart comes into my head, hot tears well up my eyes and that gnawing feeling just starts swarming back. It’s as though it consumes the whole heart that I have no room to feel anything else. I wonder how am I going to live without you.
I cannot go on anymore. Give me the strength God. I am in much pain.
Sometimes, I feel that sticks and stones are more bearable on the physical body and mental state of mind as compared to words. Words make you feel a million things, sometimes, not things that are desirable. For example, hurt. But then again, words can make you feel at the top of the world too. The feelings of ecstacity, of unspeakable joys overflowing from the heart; all these can be so overwhelming that at times, you would choose them over all that foie gras and delicacies one can ever imagine. It’s amazing to just see how words can make one feel so over the moon. But yet at the same time, one would rather put up with sticks and stones than hear those words.
But then again, timing plays a very important role when speaking certain words. I am usually not one who place great importance in saying certain issues until lately, I realise how important it is to makw use of this crucial factor called timing. It’s like the many deaths that I saw this year made me realise how important it is to cherish those beloved ones around me. It was more like a jumpstart actually. But those aside, not my point.
You know why I say the above? When you spoke of those three words to clear my doubts just now, my heart skipped a beat, maybe two, and the first thing that came to my mind was ‘if only you said those earlier and made me feel at ease, maybe things would have been better, why didn’t you say it earlier?’ So much of me within wants to jump back the bandwagon and lead a life with you, but I know that things will not get anywhere. My heart wrenches for warmth, for that touch of yours, but I know that as much as I yearn and desire of it, it is only of the flesh. And I shall not want. Why? Why is it that I desire of you so much? But now that we’ve bid goodbye to those times behind us, let’s focus on the time given to us now, and the future. Have a good one. Be happy. Always.
Filed under: Shameless foils
Agster says: (3:23:52 PM)
but i am goin to porridge again
so this is how it turns out. says: (3:23:56 PM)
whyyy
Agster says: (3:23:56 PM)
i still cannot stand rice
so this is how it turns out. says: (3:24:00 PM)
hhahahahha
Agster says: (3:24:14 PM)
and the dishes are like too big, too oily too… everything for my palate
Agster says: (3:24:46 PM)
like i see 1 chicken wing, i also wanna puke
so this is how it turns out. says: (3:24:53 PM)
whoa
Agster says: (3:24:56 PM)
i can tolerate luncheon meat
so this is how it turns out. says: (3:24:56 PM)
thats a first eh
Agster says: (3:25:01 PM)
hahha yeah lor
I think that is really something out of the world for me to stomach. If you know Agnes, she is one who doesn’t gets turned off by food! Hahaha. Have a good laugh everyone.
